this isn't even half of it.

I just need to get out of here. Please God, help me get out of here.

I’ve been living to make other people happy. That was my main and sole purpose in life, was fulfilling other people’s needs and wants. I belittle myself because I don’t have the ability to do that all the time. I’m unhappy. I’m settling. And now, I feel like I have finally realized… that if you aren’t happy with yourself or with your own life, then you can’t make anyone else happy. You just can’t. 

I blog more about my hardships than my happy times. When I’m happy, I’m too busy enjoying it. 

Why can’t I just find someone who I click with. 

Wait, why do I want to find someone at all?

singleeeee life.

I try to convince myself that you’re not good for me. All the time. And I know that if we ever got back together, it wouldn’t work. And every guy I talk to is just me looking for something better than you. 

I think I finally know what a first love feels like. Shit’s a never ending circle of mixed feelings and confusion. 

I honestly would still be willing to drop anything for you. I have more of a backbone than I did before but I can’t lie, I wish I knew what I should have done different to make you stay. Because you were the one that told me that if I really wanted something then I could make it happen. Why didn’t you want us?

So many questions I’ve already tried to ask. So many questions I won’t even dare tiptoe around. I miss you. I miss us. I miss you loving me. We had plans. And yeah, now they seem really unrealistic but I could be good for you. I know I’m not perfect and we expect different things out of relationships and stuff but I could be really good for you. I just want a second chance at us. Like brand new relationship. We’ll never get to that point. When the hell am I gonna stop missing you? Like it’s not constant but damnnn, it fucking hurts when this shit happens. 

Wait hold on, then I get all pissed off because you fucking left. YOU left. and I am STILL the one who wants it. Why the fuckkkk do I still want it. Like am I retarded? We fought all the time. All you do is smoke and………..smoke. Nothing that was negative about you before has transformed into something positive now. I hate when people say they’ll change for the better and they don’t. You were talking to other girls while you were talking to me. When you left me, you automatically started dating someone else. And yall are still dating so why do I let your phone calls and our hangouttsss and stuff get to me. It means nothing. Nothing at all. Soooo like wtf am I doing.

Then I want to completely ignore you so this stupid feeling will go away so we can carry on with our finally halfway stable friendship. I’ve tried that already and that caused too many problems and I was too close to losing you as a friend. So I just have to bare with it and hope that I don’t show my emotions. That’s hard. 

You’ve got a girl that will love you unconditionally under your fucking nose. Please tell me what else I can do for you.

I HATE BEING ON MY GODDAMN PERIOD.

I’m pretty content with life right now :))))

I do everything in a hurry, as if I don’t have adequate time in my life…. but I do. I rush when I’m showering, when I’m doing my makeup, when I’m driving I’m always speeding, I scarf down my food and gulp down my drinks, in relationships I find myself wanting to take things slow but moving too fast, I’m really impatient and always want what I want at that very moment. 

One day, I am going to master the skill of taking everything one step at a time. That is probably my biggest challenge right now.